pray

yo mama is so fat she went to the restroom she didn't even flush it

NOTE: This is all ONE joke.

How do you put a elephant in a refrigerator? You open the door and put him in! How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? You take the elephant out and put him... in! The king of the jungle had a meeting and all the animals were there EXCEPT... the giraffe because he was in the refrigerator! If you had to cross 30-feet in crocodile infested waters, how would you do that? You just swim across because all the animals where at the meeting!!!! LOL!!!!  (more)

My most embarrassing moment happened in Cowan Road Middle. We had a project to do about oceanography, and we got to make either a power point, poster, illustration, or report. My friend made a power... point and on one of the slides it said, "Which one belongs under the water?" It had MY picture on it, one of my OTHER friends, and a dolphin. All of my classmates started to laugh. I was turning red as the ocean sunset! I'll never forget that time. (more)

4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised... her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going
on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and
never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.''
 (more)

3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she... learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'"
 (more)

2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after... making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
 (more)

1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from... other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,'
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
 (more)

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your... tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 (more)

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day,... drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

 (more)